journey Tips

Recently a friend shared a link with me, it was a video on You-Tube titled "An Intimate Conversation with DeVon Franklin & Meagan Good" [Here it is]

Long story short, the video is about sex and why one should 'wait' to do it with their partner.

You can watch the video if you want to, but don't worry, you don't have to watch for you to follow with the Blog. 

The are just notes I picked up from the Video, They are not the summary of the video but thoughts the video triggered, they are applicable to a wider range of things.

1.

The video started on a high note by them explaining the difference between ‘waiting’ and ‘abstinence’. Basically abstinence is when you are told not to do something, it’s FORBIDDEN. Oh and we all know about the “forbidden fruit”, it just makes you want it even more, it brings out the FOMO in us. Now for ‘waiting’, waiting is a choice, waiting has a “WHY” attached to it, there is a GOAL attached to waiting, there is a reward at the end. Your being becomes so focused on the reward that the “waiting” is not torture. So there is a tip/trick, when you choose to wait for something (sex or whatever), attach a “WHY” to it, give it a reward, something that will remind you why it’s worth it even when the storms of Life hit, they’ll just come and go.

It’s like a bride to be, when someone says “here is some cake”, they do not focus on “OMG that cake is so good and I can’t have it”. When they look at that cake, they see Fat wedding pictures, so they don’t touch it, because they understand that the long term reward is far more worth it than instant gratification. Hence why ladies have lines like “a moment on the lips a life time on the hips”, these lines are reminders of the BIGGER picture.

In conclusion, don’t think small, don’t be near sighted. Think BIG and THINK about the future. One thing we never realise as young adults is that the future is built today. “It takes a long time to be an overnight success”.

2.

“Starve you Distractions and Feed your focus”

This one is self-explanatory but let me take a swing at it anyway. When you set a ‘wait’ and attach a ‘why’ to it, it would be wise to also draw up list of ‘ENEMIES’. These are obstacles, things that don’t want you to have that thing or things that may derail you from that path. When you have these things, draw a map on where you would bump into them and avoid that place like a plague. Here are two examples:

a) If one is on a diet, I don’t think it would be a good idea to accompany your friends to McDonald’s.

b) If one has to study, it’s kind of a bad idea to say ”let me check out one YouTube video before I start”, “let me watch one episode from my favourite series before I start”, “Let me just address my Facebook notifications then I’ll start”, etc.

Do not underestimate you “distraction”, actually don’t even test your strength against them, it will wear you out from other important tasks. This is actually why I wanted to switch off my cell phone for the ’30 Day Challenge’, it is my Devil, I use that thing for so many things, I am always on the internet checking things out. Now when those two hours go by, I’d be like “damn, I could have covered a few chapters of that book”. I heard you guys and took your advice that “no cell phone” is a bit extreme because there could be emergencies, so I decided to go buy one of those R100 phones from PEP, then in that way I would have eliminated the internet and still reachable.

Also, when you identify your enemies, be careful of “The Devil in a New Dress”. A few quick example, it’s like deleting Facebook to only replace that time waster with Instagram. Eating healthy and less portions the whole day to only binge during supper time. You catch my drift right?? Now when you remove a ‘distraction’ from your life make sure to replace it with something that will have positive impact as per your goal, or your Life will be empty.

3.

What is also is important is ‘how you interpreted your temptations’, let me explain this one with an anecdote. Last year, I tried to quit alcohol multiple times, and failed. Until I thought to myself that maybe there is a book out there about this issue, and I was right, I found a book at CAN, so I bought the book to get some ’professional advice’.

Those who have tried to abstain from drinking alcohol will know that there is a strong craving that you have to overcome. Now in the book, I was told to interpret that craving a “Monster”, now when you crave alcohol, it’s the monster begging you to feed it, you don’t want the alcohol. IT wants it, but you are the gateway and the guardian between you and its next fix. With every day you don’t take a drink the monster dies, but it doesn’t get weaker, it actually gets stronger and more desperate, so it ties tricks to get you to feed it. So the tip is, when you get the craving, celebrate in the name of “the monster’s death”. That shit works, I’d be craving alcohol and smiling at the same time, as I would dramatically imagine my self screaming “die bitch”, trust me, it does die, therefore the trick works.

I hope y’all find some ways to relate it to your daily lives and situations.

4.

Note: When you get temptations, it does not mean you are weak as a human being or you are a failure. On your journey of “waiting” remember the Xhosa line: “uSatan akalali engatyanga” and add this to it, “uSatan akay’thandi into entle”.

5.

When those temptations waves come again and again until one flips you over, DO NOT BE HARD ON YOURSELF. It’s Life, shit happens, forgive yourself and move on, you’re human after all. Get this, you wake up in the morning and wash your ass until it’s sparkling clean, a few hours after lunch you go to the toilet and take a shit, what do you do?? Do you sit there and cry:

 “my ass was so clean, why couldn’t I keep it that way for just one day, I am a failure, I don’t deserve to be walking out there with the rest of humanity, I should sit here and sob, this is where failures belong”

NO, (well I hope so). You wipe your ass and get on with the rest of your day like the King/Queen you are, you’ll have a clean ass again tomorrow (again, I hope so).

So, on your journey of “waiting”, don’t be hard on yourself, you are only human, forgive yourself and move on. Giving in on temptation does not mean give up, it only shows you that there is a flaw in your plan and you need to tweak it. So dive into some serious introspect and alter your plan, and by all means, GET BACK ON THE HORSE…

6.

Now for a tricky one, EMOTIONS. One must study their emotions, when they come up and their intensity. Fuck, this is a tricky one to write down… I’ll try and explain I to you guys when I see y’all face to face. But here is the overview, “do not rush into decisions”, if you want something, don’t execute it while you are angry/excited, sleep on it, and if you still feel the same way after 48 hours, take Nike’s advice and just “Do it”.

7.

Dopamine,

Also a tricky one to explain, it’s a human hormone, can y’all please do some research on it. Here is the overview; Dopamine is a pleasure hormone, if not carefully monitored, it causes ADDICTIONS. It is actually one of the hormones responsible for ‘Instant Gratification’ and our brains love it. So it’s very important for one to seek and highlight all the parts of our lives that cause the release of dopamine and monitor them intensively, that shit can destroy your life if not monitored or left to the sub-conscious (auto-pilot). [Start here]

8.

[AGAIN]

Trials and tribulations are part of the game, focus on your why… it’s like going to the gym, guys don’t like going to the gym to lift heavy weights, they would also like to sit on the couch and eat some potato chips, but their WHY is so strong that they go there every day. Convincing yourself that “you need to go to the gym to be healthy and live longer” will be a bit difficult to maintain, but telling yourself “that you’ll get those arms and six pack and increase the number of women that might wanna sleep with you” is  bit more motivating and self-sustaining. So remember to really intensify your WHY, do push yourself to it, it must pull you to it. YOUR WHY MUST PULL YOU.

9.

God has a millions of blessings in store for us, he can’t help us if we only ask or deserve a hundred. So one has to work on oneself. Here is further explanation: [MzukhologyLink - Opportunity]

10.

Take responsibility for all your actions, your brain works better the next time around. Let take a cliché example of “touching a hot plate”. When you touch that hot plate you burn your hand, one doesn’t sit there and blame the plate for burning them, they take responsivity and make a resolution of “DO NOT TOUCH A HOT PLATE”, your brain embeds that shit and you never touch a hot plate again.  Here is another example: [Mzukhology Link – reap whatyou sow]

11.

One must track habits, as humans, we do all habits because they are good at the time, but the reason you must track and analyse them is that “are they good for your future and are they contributing or sabotaging your Goal”. The ones that get a YES must be enhanced and the ones that get a NO must be dealt with accordingly. I once had a habit of being on the Internet far too long and sleeping late, I had no problem with it, and I actually enjoyed it. But it was silently sabotaging my goal of waking up and going for a jog in the morning, so after I dealt with the ‘sleeping late’ the ‘waking up and jogging’ happened effortlessly.

12.

As true as it is that it is ‘YOUR LIFE’, you still need a council to help you live that life to the fullest. This can be your mom, brother, sister, friend, boss, therapist, etc. This is a person you can open up to about almost anything and you trust that the person’s advice will be brutal and honest, they will tell you the truth no matter how much it will hurt. E.g  if you ask, “Dude am I selfish” and they won’t shy away from telling you “YES YOU ARE”.

13.

It is best to learn from people’s mistakes. “One book can save you five years of your life”, so always read up on things that are related to whatever you want. It’s like buying a diet pill that’s new on the market, go to Google and type “Disadvantage of using XYZ” and read people’s complaints.

14.

It was suggested in the book that one of the most important “checklist Items” in choosing a partner, is choosing someone who aligns with what you future is, they call it “Partner in purpose”. That is someone who understands your dreams/goals and supports you. E.g If you want to start and business and run it, you can’t be with a partner who is looking for a house wife who will be a full time care giver to their children. So don’t be afraid to talk about the future with whoever you meet, they might as well live now if needs be.

Now for some relationship advice for your young little sisters [Mzukhology Link – Relationship Secret]

15.

Don’t be afraid to be single and work on yourself and your relationship with God.

16.

People will always “judge a book by its cover” and “reach conclusions” about your life and the way you are living it. The million dollar question is “Why the fuck do you care what they think and are saying about you”.

Do you, and be unapologetic about it. You don’t even have to explain. BUT, your actions should not impact others around you negatively. A wild example would be a rapist justifying what they are doing, just because one loves raping doesn’t mean they should go around raping because it impacts others negatively. When you DO YOU, keep it to yourself.

And a note on this one, if someone tells you that you hurt them, you do not get to decide that you didn’t, just apologise, spare them your “good intentions”.

17.

Still not sure about where I stand about ‘sex’ and the whole waiting business. But one thing I learnt from the video is that “Waiting” is more than just about sex, it’s a powerful tool to a better life.

18.

Sorry for making you read all that…

19.

Good luck with your goals…

20.

(Fill in No. 20 in the comment section)

#Mzukhology