Mental State

When this year started, I was a man. a man with clear goals to achieve, nonetheless a man with no strategy... I was in panic mode, anxious all the time. The panic started a rot inside me. I was waking up every day to perform mandatory tasks [eat, bath, work, etc] and drink myself to sleep. I really thought the drinking would help, what a fool i was. The drinking got worse, i was escaping, escaping to hell, just to crack jokes with the demons and "forget". All that time I didn't notice that the warmth of the Devil's chambers was incubating my rot. I was sitting in fertile ground with poison ivy in the rots of my shoes. The rot got worse, Worse to a point that it was no longer inside. It was starting to sprout and show signs on the outside. I could see spring, I could see it blossom to a MESS. A bittersweet miracle happened, COVID-19. Talk about Honey and Pain. The President of the Republic announced a National_Lockdown. I wanted to sing Amazing Grace because those words were nectar to my ears. First 3 weeks, I did nothing but eat and watch movies, I didn't even bath on other days. On really bad days I'd have my breakfast at 5 in the afternoon because I didn't even get out of bed. Only to pee and take a shit. Of course, there was a guardian angel who was trying to pump positive energy and get me to Live again. Not because she was a Saint or thought she was better than me, but she was in the same hole and wanted to get out together. I tried to climb out with her, over and over again. Until she heard "save yourself" from my use of language. So I went back to the bottom of the pit and just laid there in the darkness. Seeings glimpse of light when the sun was at its peak and it was nothing but blinding. I wished it away. The episodes were bad because there wasn't even alcohol to distract Me from Me. Everything was closed and my 'stock' had been finished. So I was forced to listen to myself. Have you noticed that most of the time we are not kind to ourselves?? I was saying all kinds of nasty shit to myself about myself. I am weak. I am a piece of shit. I am a failure. To mention a few. Until one morning after about three weeks, I woke up in the morning without an alarm. And for some reason, I felt light. I don't know if it was me but the sun seemed different, colours were bright and sound was crisp. It is that Morning that made me realize that I actually had a shitty first 3 months of 2020. Emotionally and physically. The lockdown bought me time to realise that and a chance to escape from the hands of a total burn-out. And i can see the difference in my surroundings. My room is clean and neat. i fold my clothing when i take it off, my shoes are sitting in formation. I cook now and then. And i no longer think the world is Hell. See, The thing about Depression is that one often doesn't know what the heck is wrong. Depression's number one tactic and weapon against one is that; it sneaks in, full stealth mode and robs you of your feelings. Not romantic feelings, but the capability to feel anything. I call it The-Zone, When one is in the zone, they are not happy nor sad. You feel nothing. You're not sad or anxious about any particular thing and the things that are supposed to make you happy or excited have lost their charm. And as a result you end up not wanting to do anything. That's why people resign from work for no particular reason or a student would stop attending class, submitting assignment or writing tests and fail a whole semester or a whole damn year. The Zone. A Zone has stages or phases. Hourly, daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. If you ignore the small ones, that weekend you were not feeling it but you still went to that braai or birthday party because you had made a commitment, said YES and don't want to disappoint people. It does not disappear, it accumulates. It's like seeing a small snake rush under your bed and ignoring it. That fucker will be huge in a few months. And it will do harm. Same goes for the Zone. Those days you don't feel like 'adulting' DON'T. Find Peace and Recharge. You charge your phone everyday. Charge yourself everyday if you can. Find an hour before the Day starts or right at the End. A time where nothing matters but YOU. Write/Read/Watch/Knit/Draw/Sing/Whatever. The Zone usually hits the 'strong people' in our circles. Because they take it all in and ignore their mental health and inner peace for long periods of time. When they finally cave in, it's either (1) they will hate everyone or (2) they will commit suicide. When the latter happens, everyone will be so lost on what happened. And people start saying "...He/she had everything. What could have been bothering them?..." Well, they ignored their inner peace for you ungrateful ticks. Some people get this because now and then I scroll past "...Check on your strong friends..." That is a good sign of progress. Am proud of us. Here is some medicine for the Zone: Be SELFISH. That's all it takes. Chose you. "Me Days". And switch off your damn phone, or even 'Data' because people don't call these days. so that emergencies may come through. And, If your Zones are persistent, seek professional help: Suicide - 0800567567 Rape - 0214479762 Assault - 0861322322 Depression - 0800121314 Emergency - 112 ADHD Helpline - 0800554433 Trauma Line - 0800205026 Mental Health Line - 0112344837 I have been saying life is like seasons, wena summer, wena autumn, wena winter and nawe spring. Only now I am realising that I never understood the depth of that analogy. Those seasons are very tricky. At times they com e in one month other times they phase themselves out in years. That's why we have those year we curse and never want to see again, it was winter. Pack sufficiently and Good Luck on Life. In closing, I am gay and I Love Life. Not the other gay, the other one. The one that reads "...Of persons, their attributes and actions: Full of or disposed to joy and mirth; manifesting or characterized by joyous mirth; light-hearted, exuberantly cheerful, sportive, merry..." in the English Oxford Dictionary. And on that note: Love you all, Strangers and comrades alike. #Mzukhology