When shit hits the fan

Many many years ago, in a land far far away, the first man ever to say “holy shit” lived happily with his wife in the Garden of Eden. Life was perfect in Eden, free food, free strip shows, you name it. Until one day a serpent stirred shit and threw it straight towards a spinning fan, you can imagine the results. Long story short, a very beautiful garden was ruined.

Then, yesterday, in a land nearby, I met a man whose name shall not be uttered, not because of a confidentiality clause, but because I myself do not know his name. The man was carrying around with him a very heavy heart, a heart so heavy not even his face could hide it. I could tell by the colour of his eyes that his life bear the sour fruit known as lemons. I sat next to him and said “I reckon you can’t find the sugar for the lemonade”, he turned around, and with a confused faces replied “huh?”. I asked him “what’s wrong brother?”.

He told me that the love of his life was not picking up his calls, nor replying to his text messages. Long story short, the brother was busted a couple of times cheating and he has always found a way to worm himself out of the situation, but not today. I laughed a little and told him “oh, shit hit the fan”.

I explained to him that before shit hits the fan, life has to get the fan first then buy electricity credits, eat a lot and drop huge pile of shit. Pick up the shit then throw it towards the spinning fan. So I asked him where was he when his relationship was busy collecting the ingredients and setting up the apparatus. Honestly, you can’t just wake up one morning and there is shit all over the place.

There is something special about us humans when we are toddlers, we dream big and we learn, but for some reason along the road we forget these two. Those two characteristics are the reason why we are always smiling and giggling.

When you were a child, if you touch a hot plate, you would do so once, your mind registers the results and the hot plate is a No-Go-Zone. So why did we let go of that skill now that we are adults, nowadays people wait for shit to hit the fan to learn that a place is a No-Go-Zone.

I guess that why we have lines such as: “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone” but is that how we really want to live, do wrong till shit hits the fan.

When it comes to relationships the truth is we know what we have but we never imagine it getting tired of our bull shit. Just because the person would be so in-love we underestimate them, we think we have their all balls in a vice grip, thinking they have nowhere better to go. We guys feel like the “it” thing, which is why most of the time when a guy gets a hot chick in love with them they start hitting at other women, not because we can’t get enough, just because their confidence just got a adrenalin shot and we feel like we are the “it” thing.

As people we need to learn how to read between the lines, we need to recognise when the fan is connected to the wall socket and life is waiting for the food to digest.

It’s hard cleaning shit off walls, floor, ceiling and curtains… it’s really hard.

-M Hlazo