The toilet paper tale

I am talking about a “Baby-Soft Double Ply” toilet paper roll. Let me take you through the journey that results in that beautiful softness.

It was a normal cold night out in the jungle, but on this particular one the mind was stronger than usual. The whirly wind ripped me off my mother’s pod, I fell on the ground, alone, cold and scared. I lay there screaming for my mother’s attention who stood strong and proud against the winds as always, she paid no attention to me. I wonder if she mourned me.

After hours and hours of screaming it finally hit me that from that point onwards I was by myself, no mommy to protect me from the world. I wanted to do something about my situation, but I was just a seedling, no legs no arms, I just lay there praying hard and hoping a Good Samaritan walks by.

The blazing sun used to scorch my bare skin as I was no longer protected by mother’s leaves, the rains too fell on me, I was even hit by a fucken lightning bolt at this one point. I was whining and complaining all the time, but something else struck me, it was the fact that after all that I didn’t die. Truth be told, I was never promised that life was going to be easy anyway, I just assumed so, so basically had no “30 Day Guarantee” from anyone.

I will never forget the day hundreds of those Good Samaritans came stomping by. It was a quiet morning, I was laying there, hopeless as usual, I heard rumble, I thought it was thunder rolling, but it didn’t stop, it just went on and on and on and on. I was confused, “what sorcery is this” I asked myself. It was a head of buffalos, they stomped over me again and again until I was buried deep into the ground.

My new environment was dark and I was suffocating, I had to quickly get over my claustrophobia because I didn’t have much of a choice. It rained and after a few days I had this weird feeling all over my body, I was tearing up, something came out of me, I was sprouting.

Day by day I kept growing and finally after months I protruded the ground and I saw the big blue sky again, the sun shinned on my tiny green leaves. I thought the worst was over, that same night a storm came by followed by a very cold windy morning. “a guy just can’t catch a break” I thought to myself.

All these storms came and went, I was still standing. The seasons came and went, I was still standing tall. Days, months and years went by, with each passing day I grew a millimetre. It may have seemed like nothing much, but those millimetres accumulated over the years and I finally stood 10m tall and proud.

I was strong, the storms could not push me around anymore. I was a provider, the giraffes stopped for a snack now and then. I was shelter, as I hosted a few squirrels and birds on my branches. After all the shit I have been through, after all those years of perseverance, I had finally made it, I was a tree and I was giving back to my community.

One quiet morning, peace was disturbed in the jungle by a sound I had never had before. There was a loud Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Birds flew away and left their kids to fend for themselves. Snakes, rabbits and worms took cover underground. ”I am a tree, I have too much pride, I stand strong and tall” I told myself as I heard the sound get louder and closer.

I heard them say “Yes, take down this one”, in my mind was like “these niggas must be crazy, don’t they know that I have stood tall through the worst storms this jungle has ever seen”. That’s when the Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound told me “hold that though”, then in what seemed like no time at all I felt my truck tearing apart. I remember falling back in slow motion and hit the ground, what took me years to work on and build from the ground up was taken down back to the ground in 2 minutes, life is a bitch aint it.

Since there were people around, that day I made a sound when I fell, it was “Aaaaaaaaaaah” followed by a Boooom. Laying on the ground as those bastards celebrated screaming “yeah, I love this machine” my life flashed right in front of my eyes, I went back to that night I was separated from my mother. Just like that day, I just lay there with despair in my heart. Laying there I looked to the heavens and ask God “Why me???”, I actually wanted to curse his name, but I held my tongue in its place as that is my creator.

Apparently one murder was not enough for that day, because the Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound continued and more of my kind fell. We were all stacked on a truck and they drove away with us.

The journey was long and the destination was unknown, all we knew was that from that point onwards things will never be the same and us whining about it or missing the past [the way things were] would not make things any easier or turn back the time. All we had to do was to re-programme our minds and be prepared for the new ventures and challenged that awaited us in the near future.

The air got thicker, it had some black toxins that choked my lungs when I took my first breath in this place they called “the City”, I was in a point of my life where the sweet fresh air of the jungle was a luxury, this right here was confirmation that things will never be the same again.

They put me through a saw mill, it was this large device with hundreds of spinning blades, and it literally chopped me into pieces as if I hadn’t been through enough already up to that stage. At that moment I found myself say “fuck god”, he had forsaken me so he can go drive off a cliff. Saying these words I could feel him looking down and telling me “my son it will be ok”.

They dunk me into these hot chemicals, I just lay there floating looking at the heavens with hate in my eyes and in my mind I just kept repeating “fuck god, fuck god, fuck god”. How can he forsaken me after all the good I had brought to the world, I was food for the giraffes, a home to the birds and comfort to the weary traveller. Why me?? I have never hurt anyone in my life, I am the definition of peace and harmony. If I was being punished for the monkey that broke its back last week, that wasn’t my fault, he missed the branch himself when he was swinging.

The chemicals tore my very own fibres apart, I was bleached and I lost my beautiful oak brown, at this point I was even cussing at my own mother for bringing me into this cruel cruel Earth. They sprayed me on a conveyance of screens to separate me from the water and I was heated up to remove the remaining moisture. I was then rolled with steel balls to flatten me out, at that stage I blacked out and fell into a coma, so I am not really sure what else happened to me, but I do remember hearing more saws and other strange sounds.

When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was, I felt soft and there were four other there with me. I took a deep breath and regained my consciousness, when I looked at my body I was white and I had puppies engraved all over me, I asked myself “what have these madafackaz done to me???”. But I couldn’t get over the fact that I was so soft, it felt soo good, I just kept on hugging myself over and over again.

I sat in that store shelf for months enjoying the silver lining of this dark cloud that was permanently over my life, as much as I enjoyed being soft and had 3 other dudes to chat with all the time, I still miss the jungle sometimes.

My toilet paper continued talking:

“…that is the story of my life, 

So Sir please,Please don’t wipe your ass with, don’t you see the shit I have already been through, I deserve a break don’t you think. 

I don’t wanna end up in sewerage, I don’t wanna be in shit for the rest of my life, please Sir let me live the rest of my days with whatever dignity I may have left.I beg you sir”

I wiped my fat ass, flushed the toilet, washed my hands and walked out of that bathroom like a boss. I could hear Mr Toilet paper screaming “fuck you, I hope you burn in hell you fat piece of…”, he went into the drain so I couldn’t get the last part.

#Mzukhology

Fat Ass Man