Letter to my Therapist

Evening Dan,

I went through your content and have noticed that I fall under Phase 2 of life, the Searching, because I feel I lack/need purpose in my life. I am beginning to question everything about myself and what I am doing.

I feel like work can be more than just about getting a pay-check at the end of the month, spend it through the month till the next one. I know most teenagers dream of the day they can be finally “independent” and buy stuff for themselves without bothering their old folks.

I know this because I was exactly like that when I was in school, I also know this because I hear people talking about it almost every day. People be talking about how “I can’t wait to work”, trust me I know exactly how they are feeling, because as I said, I was in their shoes, now that I found a job, I don’t feel the same way anymore… yes I know, life is complicated…

I blame this meaningless version of “me” on the prescribed “life system” our parents brought us up to follow, go to school and get a good job, then work till you retire then die, it feels like being “punished for being good as a kid/teenager”.

But mostly I blame myself for being a good kid and listening to my folks and other elders that I grew up around. I blame myself because I did everything I was told, I conformed. “Mzu go to school”, “Mzu go to university”, “Mzu go to work”, I can still hear all those instructions echo in my head as i hate my being with every passing day. There is even a recent one that bothers the shit out me,”Mzu go…” Aah fuck it I can’t take anymore…

All these instructions have occupied my heads ever since I was a child, they have been full time residences in my head all this time, that means my time was fully occupied, occupied with chores to keep these “instructions” neat and tidy… I forgot to dream, I forgot to focus on finding my talents. Who knows, maybe I can play the piano or maybe I am a brilliant football player, I don’t know, and that is frustrating me. Which is why I feel so lost in life and without a purpose.

Now I feel like I am in a stage where I should find my “real self”, I fact I have made the choice to find my real self and what I want to do that will be really satisfying to my soul. Sometime I feel like I wasn’t supposed to grow up, some days I find myself saying I wish I was a kid again.

But, I don’t wish “I was a kid” anymore, because I understand that things change and life goes on. I have to grow up and I have accepted that, no problem. I have to take on the responsibilities I have accumulated, which is why my statement is a bit more matured now, “I need a fulfilling purpose in life”.

“As soon as I started reading, I finally knew I wasn’t crazy for what I’ve been feeling.”

“I feel like you’re putting words to something that I’ve been trying to articulate for a long time.”

-Mzukhology